Gobble Gobble!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!  I have a lot to be thankful for this year.  I feel truly blessed.  The one thing I am most thankful for is my family (obviously).  My family is amazing, and I am so grateful to have them.  Over the past year I have really come to find the true meaning of family for me.  I have found that my family is not defined by who's blood runs through my veins.  My family are the ones who know me inside and out, who have been with me through thick and thin.  The ones who know how I "tic."  My family are the ones who have seen me at my worse, helped, and at the end of the day still wrap their arms around me and tell me they love me. 

To my Mom (Nancy):  Thank you for your unconditional love.  I am so grateful that I have been blessed to have you in my life.  Thank you for teaching me each and everyday, and especially for being my best friend.  Words cannot express how much I love you, and what you mean to me.  I am eternally grateful for you.

To my Dad (Mike):  I love you sooo much!  Thank you for keeping me laughing everyday.  Thank you for all the little things that I know that I don't acknowledge, and thank you for the big things that I fail to acknowledge.  Thank you for making me feel like a princess when there are days I feel like an ogre :)  I love you!

To my Sister (Macy):  I love ya!  La la la la!  Ha ha :)  Thank you for being such a light for me.  I love the time we spend with each other.  They are very precious to me.  Thank you for your continual example that you are.  You amaze me with your strength, and your determination.  I love you so much, and I am so happy to be able to call you my sister.

To my Brother (Josh):  I can't believe it has been a year!  I have really enjoyed getting to know you over this past year, and I'm excited to continue to get to know you.  Thanks for keeping me laughing :)  I love ya.

To my Brother (Jeremy):  I have truly enjoyed getting to know you and your wife, Lindsey, and your beautiful children.  I am so excited to have you guys in my life.  Thank you for being such a wonderful and amazing example to me.  I love you, and I love your family. 

To my Brother (Kyle):  Oh Kyle what can I say. . . ha ha.  I love ya!  Thanks for being funny and being you.  I truly enjoy getting to know you.  Love ya!

To my Brother (Robert):  Ha ha oh Robert how I love you and hold you dear to me!  I enjoy all the time we have spent hanging out!  We have had some great times!  I love you, and I am so proud of you.  I still think about our trip down to Moab and I cannot help but laugh out loud.  Keep up your shimmying!!  I love you!

To my Sister (MiCalle):  I love ya!  You are such a cute girl, and you have an amazing little boy.  You are strong, and I am so happy that I am getting the chance to finally get to know you :)  Love ya!

To Julie:  Thank you so much for your sacrifice.  Thank you for the life that you have given me, and the opportunitites that you have blessed me with since April 30, 1987.  I love you, and I am grateful that we have been able to reconnect, and create a great friendship.

To all my friends who have touched my life I am truly grateful for you.  I love you all, and am so happy to have you in my life. 

Enjoy your Thanksgiving, and the time you spend with your family!  Treat yourself to lots of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, yams, pie, and more!! I love you all.

xoxo McCall

Shopping? Really? Yes!

So I have been really making an effort and taking time in myself, and taking quiet moments for myself.  I find a major difference in how I treat myself, and how I look at myself, and how I act.  I'm taking more pride in myself.  I have also found that people around me treat me differently, I get a different response out of people than usual.  Not that I was being treated badly before.  Unfortunately I have the need to shop.  I am actually loving it, but my wallet doesn't. 

Let's be honest I am not out racking up my card.  I look to see what is out there, and get ideas of what I would like to save for.  I truly cannot believe that I am enjoying shopping honestly.  I have never been a fan of it.  The whole thought of walking around and looking at shirts, pants, and shoes never thrilled me. . . until now.  I love it!  I have fallen in love with H and M that just opened up at Fashion Place Mall.  Target has some cute things out too.  Pretty much to sum up the style of clothing that I am really into is to take a look at Adele.  I love her style.  I've always like clothing like that, and now I feel like I am worth it to wear it :)

Ok so Grimm's Fairy Tales was a fun book.  It was interesting reading all the different versions of stories that they have.  I swear there were multiple Cinderella type stories.  There is one that is called "Little One-Eye, Little Two-Eyes, Little Three-Eyes."  It is about three sisters (I assume by the title that you gather that each daughter has a different amount of eyes on her head), and how two of them (One-Eye, and Three-Eyes) are extremely rude to their other sister (Two Eyes).  They are mean to her because she is not unique like them.  So. . . Little Two-Eyes goes out and is met by a magical woman who helps her out.  Long story short, Little Two-Eyes is swept away by a prince and the two sisters and mother are left to be punished. . . Is it just me or does that sound like Cinderella?  Needless to say it was a fun read.  I'll be handing onto this book for a while :)

So now that I am finished with that book I am now onto Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy.

So this book is supposed to be "on of the greatest love stories in world literature."  The story is set in imperial Russia, and Anna is rich woman with "complexities."  Pretty much it is a love story about an affair.  Ha ha.  I am about 20 pages into the story and so far I have not been introduced to Anna's character.  Leo Tolstoy is setting up the scene for her to come in.  Right now he is focused on a Stepan Arknadyevitch Oblonsky, and his infidelity.  Apparently his sister is Anna Karenina (from what I gather), and she is going to be coming into the story soon.  I believe. 

One thing that I have noticed is that writers from the 1800's and very early 1900's are very descriptive. . . VERY descriptive!  I mean in the sense that they describe the surroundings in excruciating detail.  However, it does help bring the "scene" to my mind.  The wording is very proper and the words are long, and I have not come across anything inappropriate.  It has been a nice read so far.  

Self Evaluation . . .

Ok, first thing is first.  I have given up on Crime and Punishment.  I made it past the third chapter (my typical quiting spot for this book), however, I found myself glaring at the book when I went to pick up.  Not good.  So, in light of my need to read, and my lack of passion for Crime and Punishment, I am going to read Grimm's Fairy Tales.  You never would have thought that they were a classic . . . but they are.  I'm rather excited by it ha ha. 

Once upon a time I use to think that I was really good at hiding my stress.  I must sadly report that I am not.  Ha ha.  I'm that person who internalizes my feelings, I don't like to create waves.  If I feel a disturbance in the force I keep quiet or avoid it so I don't have to deal with conflict.  As you can imagine this has only resulted in a ball of stress that grows.  It has been pointed out to me that I hold all my stress in my eyes.  For the past few months I was under the illusion of my mind that I was perfectly fine.  I ignored my restlessness with my life, and the fact that I could be busy but still was unhappy.

And how did I finally recognize it?  It took my mom to ask me what was going on.  Of course my recoil was "nothing."  Then as I sat there and watched her work on the computer did the massive ball of stress that was pushing to come out spill out into the room.  Yes, my mom is the one who pointed it out, because I wanted to be ok.  I could deal with it.  I can be Wonder Woman.  Right?  Ya I don't think so either.  The next question is what has brought on all the stress?  Well it is a series of things that has brought on my stress.  Some of the stress stemmed from something small, and some of the stress has stemmed from things that for years I have done everything possible to suppress and not confront. 

Once I was back in my room after talking to my mom for an hour or so did I finally come to the conclusion that I cannot continue to do this to myself.  So for the past month to month and half I have really taken a hard look at myself . . . self evaluated.  The love and self value that I award myself is very slim.  I find that I focus on others so that I don't have to turn and focus on myself.  The thought of focusing on myself actually scares me.  There are things that I don't want to face.  But I realize now that I need to face them, and move on to a happier me.

A stresser of mine has always been my weight.  I could blame it on growing up in the world of dance.  A world where a size 0 - 2 is the prized size, and that anything bigger might as well be a whale.   But I am not going to place blame there, besides I was really talented, I know that, and that I pride myself in.  However, I over looked my talent and let the stress of my weight get to me.  It got to a point where I was sabotaging myself and any weight that I lost I would put back on.  Over the last month I have come to accept that I will not be a size two.  I'm not built that way.  When I relax I'm able to keep myself at a stable weight, and even loose.  I'm not looking to be that skinny dancer I wanted to be when I was in high school, I'm looking to be a healthy 24 year old.

With that stresser gone, I have now been facing a demon that I have been avoiding for as long as I can remember.  For a lot of people it may come as a surprise, but it is my adoption.  In no way do I think adoption is horrible, and that it shouldn't be done.  In fact I wouldn't have a sister if my parents didn't adopt, or my good friend wouldn't have a beautiful daughter without adoption.  For me the thought of being adopted has been hard on me.  For the longest time I tried hard to figure out "Why would I be placed for adoption?"  "Was I not good enough?"  "Did they not want a girl?"  "Was there something wrong with me that made them not want me?"  I pretty much have faced an identity crisis, mixed with the struggles of trying to figure out where I belonged. 

I want to stress that I have grown up in a very loving, happy, enriching life.  My parents have given me more love than imagined, and given me the world at my feet, but I couldn't get past that someone gave me up.  With that I also had a hard time facing myself in the mirror.  It has always bothered me that when I looked in the mirror that I don't really resemble my parents.  I don't have their blue eyes, my Dad's nose, or my Mom's dirty blond hair.  If I could see that I didn't look like my parents, did they?  Did my grandparents?  My Aunts and Uncles?  My cousins?  So where did I belong?

Not only was I struggling trying to figure out where I belonged, but on top of it all I was also trying figure out who I was, and pretend that everything was candy and rainbows.  In the process of trying to figure everything out I was damaging the love that I had for myself, and the how much I valued myself.  I began to see (and some times refer to) myself as "used goods," "garage sale baby," and "second hand."  I know alarming.  Even now I can't believe how self damaging I have been.  I cannot imagine the pain and stress I put my parents through, because I know how much they love me.  But I can honestly say that in my stress I didn't see the love they were giving me.

Again I am stressing I have grown up (and live) in a very happy, loving, enriching, and entertaining environment and family.  My senior year of high school I had more or less a mental break down.  I had let my stress mount to an alarming size, and my body and mind could no longer handle it.  Gratefully I had amazing parents who helped me through everything, and even helped me begin searching for my biological family.

Last year I made contact with my biological family, and it has helped settle several questions that I have had.  It has even helped me draw closer to my parents.  I eternally grateful for Julie's sacrifice to place me for adoption, and giving me the opportunity to have the world.  I am so grateful for my parents and their love.  And yes,  I definitely know where I belong in my family. 

So, where does that leave me now?  More at peace.  As I now discover who I am, and what I see myself doing, I am finding that I have higher expectations for myself.  It isn't stressful expectations, but I think a love that I am developing for myself and my self value rising.  I now find myself wanting to really look nice.  Of course when I come from work I love to dawn on sweats, but I find that when I am out and about I am want to look good.  I find myself drawn to more "sophisticated" clothes, than what I have been dressing in.  I also feel I need to include more color into my wardrobe.  I'm not talking flashy colors, because let's be honest that is not who I am.  But more muted colors.  Something other than just black.  Though I do love black.  It's sliming ha ha!

So here's to a new me.  To a new improved and happier me!  Cheers!

XOXO - McCall